Feelings suck...

In the words of the immortal Tina Turner, "What's Love Got To Do With It?"...well, everything actually.


I wish for an objective world. Not void of feelings, because passion is a feeling, and I definitely want that. I would however like to experience the calm of not being controlled by feelings, like a bull is by a nose ring. I don't know if our thoughts trigger our physiological responses, or if our physiology triggers our thoughts, but either way we have chemicals in our brains that do things to how we feel physically and at seemingly the same time we have thoughts and/or feelings that lead us...places. Sometimes good places, sometimes bad places, sometimes crazy-making places.


What, you might ask is the point of all this jabber in relation to the ongoing story that is this blog?


So, a couple posts ago I was having a conversation, that I thought was a conversation - not a quiet argument. He got emotional, made a statement (that turned out to be his way of dropping a bomb) and he walked out. A little stunned, I sat there for quite a bit wondering what just happened, and went to bed early. My last post I described trying to do a follow up to said bomb-drop and was met with silence. Not the dreaded 'silent-treatment', but more like 'I'm not ready to talk about that', kind of silence. OK, I've been there before, so, cool, lets just move on until you're ready. The evening passed, I went to bed early, not sure when he came to bed, but, being the cuddling fool that I am, I did. That led to a good opportunity for some stress relief, shall we say. A good time was had by all.


Today, I had a date scheduled with my comfortable passionate person set for after work. Just before noon I get a call - I need to go home to help hubby out. Flat tire, AAA says you can't ride with the driver due to COVID, ~20 miles from home, not a feasible walk, and good luck finding an Uber in redneck hell. All good. For better or worse, right? I pick hubby up, get to the tire place, go grab lunch with him, make sure all is well and head back towards my date. Call ahead to make sure we're still on, get a yes, and then a text that says he doesn't feel well, can we reschedule. Sure. No problem, hope you feel better.


Well, crap. That's disappointing. Don't know him well enough to know if he really doesn't feel well, or if he just doesn't want to see me. See - the mind starts going places. Why can't I just take him at his word that he doesn't feel well and leave it at that. I know that rejection is humanities most common fear. Some of us seem hyper-sensitive to that possibility despite knowing cognitively we have value and that our worth isn't predicated upon some random person's opinion, acceptance or rejection of us.


I wish hubby was ready to talk. I don't like loose ends. While I'm disappointed the date fell through, one date is not the end of the world. I live an incredibly blessed life. There is no reason for me to feel like my emotions are a yarn basket in a room full of cats. All-in-all, today has been a good day.


Feelings suck.

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