Updated: Dec 23, 2020
It's not that I have to post something every day, that's not what I mean. I had some things I wanted to say yesterday, that I didn't have the opportunity to get down. Bear in mind these are yesterday's thoughts, and a bit of time has passed since then. Perspectives mellow and change some with time - even a little time. That is one reason I don't like giving a verbal response to something emotional right away. I go silent and ponder what I thing and feel. When I
reconciled those things, I'm much more likely to have a conversation that best reflects the truth.
My reservoir of unmet needs saw in you (James) a possibility of being met - and literally jumped out - like cargo falling out of massive military transport, but without a parachute and onto a canoe that couldn't possible hold it all. In short, I'm sorry for dumping a lot of shit on you that you didn't ask for, anticipate, want or expect. You "wanted something casual". I certainly didn't offer that.
I felt the thought process of our last conversation seemed disordered. I was concerned for you. I wondered if you were drunk, or having an anxious breakdown. I sometimes get the feeling that you're done, you don't want to talk to me or have anything to do with me anymore, and then there is a little comment, or gesture that seems to erase that feeling. It's confusing.
That's part of the problem with all-text conversations. Tone of voice, facial expression, body language - all the non-verbal cues we use to interpret what is being said are gone. We therefore ascribe meaning to the words based on either what we expect to them to be, what we want them to be, or what we fear they will be. Another failing of text-type communication is that the receiver tends to formulate a response to part of a message. Said response may get sent before the message is completed. That can lead to confusing tangles and more misinterpretation, not to mention questions that get unanswered or fallacies that don't get addressed and therefore become truth.
To be honest, I am willing to walk away. I can't help how I feel for you, (Just so we're clear, I was never trying to replace your life-partner, nor am I trying to find a replacement for mine. I'm secure in my relationship with my partner, but firmly believe that one person can not be the end-all, be-all of existence for another. Putting that expectation on any human is unfair and will lead to frustration and disillusionment, feelings of failure that they can't be that for you, death blows to their self-esteem. As the deliverer of that expectation, I would feel frustration, isolation, loneliness, anger, disappointment. The combination of these opposing emotions would lead to bitterness and potentially to irreconcilable differences. Is it any wonder there is greater than a 50% divorce rate?) but I can stop putting it on you so that you can focus on the things you did sign up for.
Something to that effect would have been yesterday's entry. Stay tuned, more to come.