Tonight (this morning) is one of those in which thoughts are racing and I'm having trouble putting down what I really want, or need to say.
I've established that I'm broken. For as long as I can remember, I've been broken. I hope to be consistent in my messaging, and may need to refer back to my previous posts in order to do so. I believe language is important.
My deepest need is belonging. There is currently no where I belong. When you find a place you belong, there are others like you there. They may share similar stories and needs, and will likely have different stories and different needs. That's the beauty of relationship. Where you are weak, I am strong and vice-versa. We can have each others backs. There is one soul in the void with me. It seems we don't speak the same language. I speak philosophy and science...all things heady and informed. He speaks art and creativity. Doesn't approach learning in the same way at all. Those things I love, to him are abhorrent. Those things he loves, I appreciate from afar. It gets lonely in the void.
My mind was reviewing a list of of the acquaintances in my life. As each face and personality crossed my mind, I saw a state of brokenness. I want to help them. I wish I could help them. Unfortunately, they are acquaintances, not friends, not family. The relationship we have (had) didn't cross over into the kind of intimacy that allows for brokenness to be exposed. My part in their lives was limited. As I move away, they will move on. I wish them well as our paths diverge.
There was another soul in the void with me for a time. We connected in a way that caused me a flood of emotion and a flood of thoughts and words - hence the creation of this record. A journey began in me which will continue. Unfortunately, he didn't stay in the void for long. His own brokenness and fear of more pain and loss pulled him out of my life.
It's really hard to tell sometimes when what you see in another person is genuinely them, or a reflection of yourself. I am sure of the kinship of brokenness. I am sure of the kinship of desire for love and belonging, for understanding and freedom to express oneself without judgement. Of those things, I am sure I felt, and saw correctly.
At the end, as he focused his attention on those things he valued most (nothing wrong with that, obviously. We all have our priorities.), I saw a pattern I recognized. It is one that I fell into many times and was so familiar. Painfully familiar. What I saw was a recommitment to being better for someone else. Being what another person wants and needs. I also felt him cut me out of his life with surgical precision by using my openness and brokenness to frame a response to me. I had previously recognized the pot-shots and little insults and was determined to stay. I know his brokenness too. The thing he needs to make his life whole. As he so gladly and proudly declared his recommitment to living someone else's truth to avoid another pain and loss, he used my vulnerability to cut me out like a cancer. I have yet another scar on my heart. As much as I miss him and, yes, still love him, I am afraid of him too. I'm not afraid of physical harm, but I am afraid he'll either tell me what he thinks I want to hear, or the lies he tells himself about how good his life is. I can't bear either. I will say this, as I reflect back on the situation and what I've written thus far, he is an expert at pushing people away. When we leave it reinforces and fulfills what he believes to be true...he's not good enough, loveable enough...just enough - for people, men in particular, to want to stay in his life. His actions affirm his brokenness.
I was shocked at my own reaction to what happened. I knew from past personal experience, that while in the euphoric state of recommitment there would be no reasoning. He would not, could not see what he was doing and why. I know denial all too well. Too many years spent in my own version of it.
My dear friend, I still love you. I miss you. I wish you the very best in life and hope you can find some peace.
When I embrace my brokenness I grow. I learn. I heal. That is is the significance of brokenness to me.